Democrat vs Republican (tongue in cheek)

One of my friends and I have had some good-natured sparring over Democrat vs Republican.

He and I enjoy the back and forth, so please take this in the satirical manner it was intended. We don't actually think the other party believes this, and it's total hyperbole. But it is funny, and shows the extremes of each party. Enjoy.

The list I received

I'm way  too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are
all I need  to protect me from murderers and thieves. 

 I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I 
want. I've decided to marry my horse.
 

    I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a
gallon  of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of
gas at 15%  isn't.

     I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better
job of  spending the money I earn than I would.
 

    I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody
is  offended by it.
 

    I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust  that the
bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're  good people.
 

    I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us
if it will rain on  Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps  will melt
away in ten years if I don't start driving a  Prius.
 

   I'm  voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of
millions of  abortion babies so long as we keep all death row inmates  alive.
 

   I'm  voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be
allowed to make  profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest
away to the  government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

     I'm voting Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the
 Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get 
their agendas past the voters.

   I'm voting Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass it's 
unlikely that I'll ever have another point of  view.

The list I composed

I'm voting Republican because the sky is falling, Obama is the Antichrist, and there is a terrorist under every rock

I'm voting Republican because we are a party of diversity: if by diverse you mean having 3.5 black people and 8 hispanics

I'm voting Republican because if I keep telling myself "Iraq had a connection to the people who attacked us on 9/11" it will make it true

I'm voting Republican because prosperity trickles down to poor people...it does right? I mean I don't actually know any poor people.

I'm voting Republican because I want government to stay out of the way...except for legislating the cultural and moral principles I hold...and guns...but stay out of the way on other stuff

I'm voting Republican because I believe you can plant a democracy at the end of a gun with civilian leaders who don't even know the difference between Sunni and Shiite. 

I'm voting Republican because I believe we simply need to waive our irresistible democracy fairy dust over the middle east, and it will bloom like a spring garden. We don't ACTUALLY need to waste our time understanding their culture, religion, and values.

I'm voting Republican because schools don't need more money, the facilities are amazing...in the suburbs where I live

I'm voting Republican because I trust international corporations more than I trust government...they can't both be corrupt can they?

I'm voting Republican because I forget there are a lot of pro-life people on both sides, who know that we should be just as focused on preventing unplanned pregnancy as the legal status of abortion, that the lowest abortion rates in the world are in countries where it is legal but there is good health services (http://prolifeproobama.com/), the highest in countries where it is illegal and there are not adequate services), and that being pro-life doesn't end at birth (http://matthew25.org)

:)